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Random Notes - September 24, 2001

I just found out that Timothy Stack, better known as 'Notch Johnson' of FX's Son of the Beach attended Boston College in the late 1970's. If you haven't seen Son of the Beach, it is a satire on Baywatch. The only difference is that the plots on Son of the Beach are ridiculous on purpose. By the way, Stack began his college career at BU before gaining some sense and transfering to BC.

Did you ever see the Simpson's episode where the town institutes punishment by catapult for offenders of the town's prohibition laws? I think Boston should invest in a catapult and take the opportunity to launch Carl Everett out of town. Wouldn't it be great to see him flying across the Charles? Carl likes to point to the sky after home runs (a rarity the last year and a half), so let's give him a closer look.

When Matt Millen took over as President and CEO of the Detroit Lions, I changed Rule #1 in my NFL Football Pool strategy. Rule #1 is now: never pick the Detroit Lions. I wouldn't let this oaf run a lemonade stand, much less a professional football team. On the evolution chart, Millen is the second guy from the left. He is probably the worst sports broadcaster of all-time and in five years people might be calling him the worst NFL executive of all-time. By the way, the Lions are 0-2 vs the spread this year.

Police recently searched Mike Tyson's home for evidence pertaining to a sexual assualt that alledgedly took place in Nevada. In other equally surprising news, the ocean was wet and the sky was blue.

I'm glad that Kim Delaney escaped NYPD Blue before the dawn of the Gosselaar Era. She is now starring in a new drama called Philly. I get the feeling that Dennis Franz is about to become network television's version of Emmitt Smith.

You can't watch a Sunday of football and not hear about the famous "West Coast Offense" made popular by the great San Francisco 49er teams in the 80's and 90's. The Patriots have been working on a new "East Coast Offense." It called the "East Coast Offense" because the offensive players move around the field as if they are running through a snowstorm.

Chris Kattan's new movie Corky Romano opens in theatres on October 12th. Look for it in your local video store on October 19th and on the TNT Friday Night Movie on October 26th.

I hope the United States Military saves a few heat-seeking missiles for those people out there selling American flags for profit or otherwise using the country's horrific tragedy as a means to cash in. These people - and I'm glad they are a small minority - are simply repulsive.

Random Notes - September 10, 2001

Stanford has a wonderful campus, but the football stadium is an absolute dump. It makes pre-1988 Alumni Stadium look like the Taj Mahal. The concessions are laughable, the bathrooms look like Fenway Park on its worst day and getting into the stadium is a challenge in itself. It is basically a high school stadium with about ten times the seats. I'm sure the Eagle players had a few choice words for the condition of the playing field as well.

I wish I had a half billion dollars so I could buy the Red Sox. I would fire Dan Duquette before the ink dried on the contract. Then I'd write out a check to buyout the remainder of Jose Offerman's seemingly endless contract and send him into retirement. Next, I'd get Carl Everett a non-refundable, one-way ticket to Bellvue. There, he'll be called "the crazy one."

Trying to select Boston's worst General Manager over the past five years is like trying to choose the most annoying Backstreet Boy.

Is anyone outside of San Francisco rooting for Barry Bonds to break the homerun record? I think more people rooted for Ivan Drago to beat Rocky.

Syracuse football early season records: 2001: 0-2, 2000: 1-2, 1998: 2-2, 1997: 1-3, 1996: 0-2. It's too bad that we never play them in September.

Why must we be subjected to the WBNA on national television when there are perfectly good "this is only a test" messages from the Emergency Broadcasting System that could be aired?

Speaking of the WBNA, here is my list of the Top 5 Worst ESPN Programming Selections of All-Time

5. Miniature Golf Championships - "His approach to the clown's mouth is about 75 inches. I think he'll go with the putter."

4. Strongman Competition - Fire engine pulling, car lifting, bending a metal bar over your head. Where did I put that Lou Ferrigno rookie card?

3. Vic's Vacant Lot - From the very early days of ESPN. The premise here was to send a fiftysomething guy (tennis guru Vic Braden) out with a group of young children to show them how to organize competitive sports in busy streets or places that looked like abandoned contruction sites. Gee, I can't imagine why that one was cancelled.

2. Synchronized Diving - Oh, sorry. That's the Olympics.

1. World Series of Poker - Card by Card broadcast by Dick Van Patten. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't have believed it.

... and my Top 2 Cult Classics of ESPN Programming

2. Canadian Football - I used to watch CFL games while eating breakfast before school. Warren Moon owned the league back then. But, I still don't understand why an eight team league needed two franchises called the Rough Riders.

1. Australian Rules Football - This sport is basically chaos, violence and mayhem, but with referees and what appeared to be a few rules. Did I mention that they don't wear helmets?

Random Notes - September 1, 2001

Miss Cleo says BC will go 8-3 this season and head to a bowl game. That's good enough for me. My bags are packed.

Jose Offerman must be on his way to breaking the Major League record for taking called third strikes. By the way, has anyone seen Mo Vaughn lately? I saw him on TV the other day and thought it was Rerun from What's Happening.

No one can believe that the NFL officials turned down a 200% pay raise phased in over the next five years. Turning down an offer like that simply doesn't make sense. My guess is that the NFL refs couldn't see the contract well enough to read the terms.

It was ruled that the Bronx, New York little league all stars will have to forfeit their World Series victories because they used a 14-year-old pitcher (the maximum age for little league is 12) which gave them an unfair advantage over the competition. This would be comparable to a big league team with a $120 million payroll playing a team with a $30 million payroll in the playoffs. Well, I guess it's not that much of an unfair advantage.

Has Notre Dame been invited to the Fiesta Bowl yet?

I won't get into a discussion here about the existence of God. However, the fact that Roger Clemens is on his way to another Cy Young proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is no Baseball God.

My All-time Baseball Movie Lineup.

C - Crash Davis, Bull Durham (beats out Jake Taylor and Mike Engelberg at a tough position)
1B - Klu Haywood, Major League (played so well by former Brewer pitcher Pete Vuckovich)
2B - Linus Van Pelt, Peanuts (not really a movie, but ...)
SS - Tanner Boyle, Bad News Bears (will rush the mound any time you need it)
3B - Roger Dorn, Major League (known to tank a grounder once in a while)
LF - Moonlight Graham, Field of Dreams (he's batting 1.000)
CF - Willie Mays Hayes, Major League (also the team's leadoff batter)
RF - Roy Hobbs, The Natural (stock up on light bulbs)
SP - Nuke LaLoosh, Bull Durham (likes old chicks on and off screen)
RP - Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn, Major League (California Penal League All-Star)
MANAGER - Jimmy Dugan, A League of Their Own ("There's no crying in baseball")
BENCH COACH - Morris Buttermaker, Bad News Bears (gives beer to 10-year-olds)
ANNOUNCER - Harry Doyle, Major League (Juuuuuuust a bit outside)
UMPIRE - Lt. Frank Drebin, Naked Gun (Steeeeeeeerrrrike three-ee-ee)
NATIONAL ANTHEM - Enrico Palazzo, Naked Gun (buncha bombs in the air)
HONORABLE MENTION (TV) - Sam Malone, Cheers (the bases were loaded and so was he)

As far as LA is concerned, the Clippers do not exist. It is easier to find a 1967 Anaheim Amigos ABA jersey than a Clippers t-shirt in this town. I suspect that I'm going to find Clipper tickets in my Cheerios box one of these days.

Just when you thought that NYPD Blue couldn't get any worse, they decided to cast Mark Paul Gosselaar as the new detective. If you don't know who Mark Paul Gosselaar is (like the rest of the world), he played the blond kid, Zach, on Saved by the Bell. Apparently Screech wasn't available.